I've been there. First I was a working mom, going back to work after eight way-too-short weeks of maternity leave. Now I'm a stay at home student/mom, so I've been on both sides of the coin and here are a few things I've learned:
1. There are no such things as a break for anyone with kids.
When I was working, I never had a moment for myself. I worked dutifully during my work hours (and on occasion, read an article or two on the internet!) and rushed like crazy down to the Nursing Mother's Room to pump on my breaks. I was lucky enough that I could go on my lunch break to nurse my baby instead of having to pump for a third time, but that meant more driving and inhaling my lunch at my desk.
Now that I'm at home, I never have a moment for myself. I play with my baby and we run errands, cook, and clean. When he naps, I study (and on occasion, frantically blog!) and finish up chores I couldn't do while paying attention to him. To put it in perspective, I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone to the bathroom without him in the room trying to unravel the toilet paper or climb on my legs.
We are all on call for our kids, 24/7, whether we work or stay home. It's an intense responsibility and it can seem overwhelming (especially when you wish you could stay home but can't or wish you could work, but can't), but that's why there are these people who watch your kids called "babysitters." (Although, to be fair, even then you're still on call for an emergency.)
2. "I work two jobs! When I get home the second one starts" is only good for continuing the mommy wars.
This is often heard from moms who want to stay home with their kids but are forced to work for various reasons. It's usually followed with the rant about how they cook and clean and work, unlike those stay at home moms who don't have a "real" job. I felt similarly when I worked. It wasn't until I became a stay at home mom that I realized: I would HATE it if my daycare provider told me, "hey, I cleaned up our center and made food today rather than paying attention to your kid. I delayed his mealtime to mop the floor and I had her sit in the playpen even though she was bored to tears until the floors dried."
It's the same concept at home. I am going to pay attention to my baby, ensure his playtime is safely supervised and engaging, feed him, and get him down for naps just the same as your daycare provider will. This is one of those cases where, if you want to be home with your kids, you will feel as though a stay at home mom should find a way to do it all because you totally would, and I understand. There's nothing that can take that feeling away (because I felt it until the very last day I worked), but this is the truth. No matter your situation, you are always working twenty four hours a day when you have children and nothing ever happens quite exactly as you hope for.
3. "A mom who WANTS to work is not really a mom. Where are her maternal instincts?" is also only good for mommy wars.
This is also heard quite often, typically in shock at the thought that a woman would want to work instead of spending each moment raising her children. As a woman who would like nothing more than to be a mom and homemaker, I admit I've had this thought. But then I realize I'm being ridiculous. Generalizations are the enemy here; every mother is different and that is great. We need all sorts of moms to raise all sorts of children.
There is nothing wrong with you if you have children and also want to work. Raising children is a job that the parents can do as they see fit. Maybe the dad stays at home. Maybe you both work. These are all choices that families should be able to make for their own individual circumstances.
I know that for some women, it seems crazy to have children and not want to be around them 24/7, but it is not crazy. It is actually quite normal. Just because we're the ones carrying the babies for nine months does not mean we can't have different aspirations with our lives. Why is it that a man could decide he wants to a) cure cancer and b) have a family, but if a woman wants to do that, she's considered crazy? That's absolutely ridiculous.
4. Stereotypes exist because they drive anger - and therefore, they drive page views.
Here's the thing. We might all have examples of women who stay at home and barely pay attention to their kids or women who do work because they don't want to pay attention to their kids, but let's not use these to justify judging each other. These are the exceptions to the rule.
We hear these stories because they make people angry, and angry people click on website news stories and angry people leave comments. Page views and comments make advertisers happy. We don't hear about the mothers who are doing exceptional jobs raising their children through multitudes of circumstances because that's just "too boring" to get page views. But those mothers are out there, right this instant, raising the best children they can.
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