Look, I always knew that I wanted to have kids someday. The concept of bringing a new person into this world with my loving husband has always spoken to me. So when my husband and I talked about getting married, we talked about having kids - when and how many and all of that. We agreed that two or three sounded good, at least two years apart.
Then I had baby S, and boy did my things change.
1. I never thought having a baby would change my opinion on how many babies I wanted.
I had always thought that once you kind of knew whether or not you wanted a kid, you'd go forth with you life and have kids at some point and continue your life, now with kids. I knew that sometimes people would have one kid and decide they were done for various reasons and that made sense too. But my opinion was changed in the opposite direction. I realized I wanted to have more babies and closer together. I think I'd like to have four or five. Maybe six. My poor husband! Since he (quite understandably) would prefer to stick to the plan we discussed before marrying each other, I'm starting this blog as a way to direct my baby energy.
But I do also wonder what will happen when I become pregnant again some day, and I wonder if my thoughts will shift again.
2. I never thought I would feel so outspoken about breastfeeding.
Don't get me wrong. I think that above all else, feeding your baby healthy food is important (as in, feeding a newborn breastmilk or formula, not Sprite). But I was surprised by the way I now want to help other mothers in their breastfeeding journeys. I want to encourage them when they feel they don't have enough milk or when other people are telling them it's stupid to continue breastfeeding and I want to listen when they have worries about whether their baby is nursing too little, too often, too short at a time or too long. Breastfeeding as a process imparts nourishment for our babies, but the journey varies greatly from mom to mom and I want to have those conversations.
3. I never thought I would worry about my own inadequacies so much.
I always sort of figured that because I was the oldest of five siblings and because I had tons of cousins that I would be ready to take care of my own baby. But barely a week goes by during which I don't question myself, even just a little. I do my best to constantly project an air of confidence, because I do believe that faking it helps. But I would be lying if I told you all that I am a perfect, confident mom. The other day, I was sitting at the dining room table and baby S was in his highchair. I was feeding him green peas. I would put peas on the spoon and hand him the spoon and he would eat, well, most of what was on the spoon. Only about twenty percent ended up on the floor.
But in that moment, I started to worry. Had I fed him green peas too often lately? Should I go grab some squash for the rest of the meal? What if he's just eating the food because I'm handing him the spoon? Should I mix it with more cereal to make sure he's getting enough iron? How much cereal did he have this morning, anyhow? What if he gets too much iron and is constipated and is up all night?
I think, regardless of the topic, everyone has had moments like that. And it's not easy to take a deep breath and reset your thoughts and believe, really believe, that you are doing the best you can do.
But, in time, I hope to make this blog a resource where, no matter what you're doing as a mother (or father or aunt, uncle, grandparent, caregiver, etc!) you can come here to be reassured that as long as you're doing your best, you're doing alright.
And when I say doing your best, I don't mean that your best is that list you have of things like "if I were doing my best, my baby would be wearing a clean and adorable outfit every day and eating homemade baby food for every meal and my house would never be messy and I would always have make up on" that you measure yourself against and "fail" each day. I mean doing your best in that you are giving your life your all. Maybe you stay at home with your kids, maybe you have a job. . Every mother has a unique story, so let's celebrate and learn from each other.
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