What Stay At Home Moms and Working Moms Never Consider About Each Other

I've been there. First I was a working mom, going back to work after eight way-too-short weeks of maternity leave. Now I'm a stay at home student/mom, so I've been on both sides of the coin and here are a few things I've learned:

1. There are no such things as a break for anyone with kids.

When I was working, I never had a moment for myself. I worked dutifully during my work hours (and on occasion, read an article or two on the internet!) and rushed like crazy down to the Nursing Mother's Room to pump on my breaks. I was lucky enough that I could go on my lunch break to nurse my baby instead of having to pump for a third time, but that meant more driving and inhaling my lunch at my desk.

Now that I'm at home, I never have a moment for myself. I play with my baby and we run errands, cook, and clean. When he naps, I study (and on occasion, frantically blog!) and finish up chores I couldn't do while paying attention to him. To put it in perspective, I think I can count on one hand the number of times I've gone to the bathroom without him in the room trying to unravel the toilet paper or climb on my legs.

We are all on call for our kids, 24/7, whether we work or stay home. It's an intense responsibility and it can seem overwhelming (especially when you wish you could stay home but can't or wish you could work, but can't), but that's why there are these people who watch your kids called "babysitters." (Although, to be fair, even then you're still on call for an emergency.)

2. "I work two jobs! When I get home the second one starts" is only good for continuing the mommy wars.

This is often heard from moms who want to stay home with their kids but are forced to work for various reasons. It's usually followed with the rant about how they cook and clean and work, unlike those stay at home moms who don't have a "real" job. I felt similarly when I worked. It wasn't until I became a stay at home mom that I realized: I would HATE it if my daycare provider told me, "hey, I cleaned up our center and made food today rather than paying attention to your kid. I delayed his mealtime to mop the floor and I had her sit in the playpen even though she was bored to tears until the floors dried."

It's the same concept at home. I am going to pay attention to my baby, ensure his playtime is safely supervised and engaging, feed him, and get him down for naps just the same as your daycare provider will. This is one of those cases where, if you want to be home with your kids, you will feel as though a stay at home mom should find a way to do it all because you totally would, and I understand. There's nothing that can take that feeling away (because I felt it until the very last day I worked), but this is the truth. No matter your situation, you are always working twenty four hours a day when you have children and nothing ever happens quite exactly as you hope for.

3. "A mom who WANTS to work is not really a mom. Where are her maternal instincts?" is also only good for mommy wars.

This is also heard quite often, typically in shock at the thought that a woman would want to work instead of spending each moment raising her children. As a woman who would like nothing more than to be a mom and homemaker, I admit I've had this thought. But then I realize I'm being ridiculous. Generalizations are the enemy here; every mother is different and that is great. We need all sorts of moms to raise all sorts of children.

There is nothing wrong with you if you have children and also want to work. Raising children is a job that the parents can do as they see fit. Maybe the dad stays at home. Maybe you both work. These are all choices that families should be able to make for their own individual circumstances.

I know that for some women, it seems crazy to have children and not want to be around them 24/7, but it is not crazy. It is actually quite normal. Just because we're the ones carrying the babies for nine months does not mean we can't have different aspirations with our lives. Why is it that a man could decide he wants to a) cure cancer and b) have a family, but if a woman wants to do that, she's considered crazy? That's absolutely ridiculous.


4. Stereotypes exist because they drive anger - and therefore, they drive page views.

Here's the thing. We might all have examples of women who stay at home and barely pay attention to their kids or women who do work because they don't want to pay attention to their kids, but let's not use these to justify judging each other. These are the exceptions to the rule.

We hear these stories because they make people angry, and angry people click on website news stories and angry people leave comments. Page views and comments make advertisers happy. We don't hear about the mothers who are doing exceptional jobs raising their children through multitudes of circumstances because that's just "too boring" to get page views. But those mothers are out there, right this instant, raising the best children they can.

Four Things You Start To Wonder While Breastfeeding

1. What if I'm already pregnant and don't know it?

It is fairly common knowledge that for many women, breastfeeding can suppress ovulation. I like to think of it as nature's way of preventing your body from becoming pregnant before its ready again. I also like to complain about it, because I don't like the fact that my body apparently isn't ready to be pregnant again. (Not that it matters much, because my husband's not ready for me to be pregnant either!)

So, along with knowing that breastfeeding can suppress ovulation, everyone also knows that it's not recommended as a form of birth control unless you are ready to have another baby. Theoretically, you can go from nursing to pregnant without ever experiencing a postpartum period. For my husband's peace of mind, I have a copper IUD as backup contraception. But I really am starting to feel, at 10 months postpartum and still period-free, that I shouldn't have bothered.

Of course, despite the double birth control, I have days where I wonder if maybe the IUD failed and I am pregnant again. Surely I couldn't go this long without a period, right? And I am really tired this week. And some days I'm going to the bathroom every hour!

This nagging wonder can plague the thoughts of any mother. Ultimately, there are a lot of stories online about how many women couldn't get pregnant again until they weaned down to twice a day feedings or completely stopped breastfeeding. So it is perfectly normal to not have a period for ten months postpartum or longer. It is also perfectly normal to stock up on some pregnancy tests, just to check every so often.

(And it's perfectly normal to start having your periods again, even while breastfeeding! Congratulations, your body thinks its ready to have a baby again!)

2. What if my baby is the only baby in the world that wants to nurse through the night?

It seems like every baby I know started sleeping through the night almost instantly. Parents spoke happily about how, at eight weeks, their little baby just closed her eyes and kept them closed until eight hours later. They didn't use a "cry it out" method or anything more than a bedtime routine; it just seemed to happen on its own.

And ten months later, your own baby continues to wake you up every two hours, crying and frantically searching for your bosom.

My darkest thoughts are at four in the morning, when I've had little to no sleep and baby S wakes up yet again to cry. I remember reading that book, "Bringing Up Bebe" and I remember how the author has an "epiphany" about her friend whose baby woke up every two hours. Clearly, according to the author, her friend had inadvertently trained her baby to wake up like that and it could have been avoided had she only thought to let her little baby cry longer at night before attending to him.

As I nurse in the darkened bedroom and think about punching that author in the face, I try to remind myself that every baby is different. Sleep is one of the biggest topics surrounding babies and for good reason; most adults need sleep. Most adults have a small time frame during which they can get this sleep. Most adults cannot nap throughout the day to make up for lost sleep at night. So when you have a baby that interrupts this time frame, it can be awful.

But the thing is - it's normal for babies to wake up often, usually as long as the first year and yes, sometimes longer. Even if every other person you know has a sleeping baby, your baby is not abnormal, and you did not "train" your baby to wake up like this. Every baby is different, and will learn to sleep longer based on their genetics.

And yes, you can encourage them to sleep longer in various ways and that's fine. I'm just saying that if your baby gets up every two hours, I'm there with you, groggily attempting to console my child and not scream in frustration. I hear it even gets better, eventually.

3. Seriously, what do I do when my baby gets teeth?

To a breastfeeding mother, baby teeth are not adorable - they are terrifying. After all, most babies teeth well before they can understand the concept of "no biting!"

First off, teething does not mean you can't breastfeed your baby anymore. I know this because baby S had eight teeth by eight months, and two months later, we're still doing fine in the nursing department. If a baby's latch is correct, their tongue will be covering their bottom teeth while nursing, so biting really isn't an option.

Often, biting comes into play when your baby is done nursing and is bored, or is frustrated and anxious. The first time baby S bit me was when he was very hungry but was having trouble latching on. This was incredibly unusual for him, so I checked his mouth and found he had tried to eat a small bit of leaf and the leaf was stuck on the very back of his tongue! A quick finger swipe later and the offending bit of leaf was gone and he was able to nurse happily, with no more biting.

But sometimes, a baby does bite just for "funsies." In that case, you have a few methods for dealing with it. The easiest (in theory. In practice, it's a little harder to react calmly while being bitten) way is to remove your baby with a firm but unexcited "no biting." An overly exaggerated response could lead to baby biting just to see a "funny" response.

If your baby has a firm, unyielding bite, gently pull him forward until his nose is smushed up to your breast. The momentary loss of air should help encourage him to let go, and help him learn that biting leads to an unpleasant consequence.

In either case, make sure to provide your baby with plenty of toys to chew on during the day to help ease teething pain and satisfy his biting curiosity.

4. What Am I Going To Do When Baby Doesn't Want To Nurse Anymore?

For some women, breastfeeding is their goal because they know it is beneficial to their baby, but they don't much care for the process. This is a normal reaction for some, but for others, nursing is a wonderful new part of their life and the thought of giving it up some day elicits many emotions. After all, there is something amazing about being able to provide nutrients for your baby at any time, anywhere. To watch your little baby grow into a toddler knowing that you were directly responsible for their growth is awesome.

But then you realize that at some day, it will end. I think the hardest time is for those mothers who want to nurse but end up unable to do so for as long as they wanted. But it is equally - though differently - tough for mothers who have created a special bond with their nursing baby to wean. With all things, the passing of time helps to heal the raw emotions that can surface after weaning.

If you're still comfortably nursing, don't stress over the future. Enjoy the moments you have now, because it's true. They won't last forever. But what you will find is that with each step your little girl makes towards independence (in this case, towards being able to feed herself), you will feel pride and accomplishment knowing that you helped them on their way. And yes, you might feel jealous when you see a new mother nursing her infant one day or you might feel a sense of nostalgia tempered with a few painful memories of biting or you might feel any of the many different emotions that are wrapped up in motherhood. It is all normal because motherhood is a very individual process. (As a side note: Weaning can trigger depression in some mothers, which, while a normal response, should be discussed with a healthcare professional!)